Monday, February 12, 2007

Ender's vindication

There’s an interesting article in the current Harper’s about “The Coming Robot Army,” dealing with the increasing presence in the American military of unmanned vehicles. The article’s author, Steve Featherstone, narrates his experiences at a handful of “industry” shows—where engineering firms, large and small, pitch their products to the military. Everything from tank-sized robot weapons platforms to tiny spybots (both airborne and ground-based) is on display, along with promotional videos featuring Full Metal Jacket’s R. Lee Ermy and MacGyver himself, Richard Dean Anderson.

What struck me was the frequent recourse the prostheletizers of robot warfare had to the language of video games when relating the user-friendliness of their machines. “If you can operate a game boy, you’re good,” says one representative. R. Lee Ermy, in full drill sergeant mode in his promo video, screams “The next time you start thinking about telling kids to put away that video game, think again! Some day they could be using those same kinds of skills to run a robot that will save their bacon!”

This made me think of Orson Scott Card’s excellent SF novel Ender’s Game, in which, in which gifted children are recruited early into the military and taught the art of warfare. Ender Wiggin, our protagonist, proves talented beyond the dreams of his mentors and graduates into a specialized form of training, in which he plays simulations of space battles, networked to other children trained at the same academy he attended.

(Warning for those who have not read the novel: I’m about to give away the ending, so if you want to read it—and I recommend that you do—stop reading now).

The simulations get increasingly difficult, with increasingly greater odds against them and an enemy increasingly familiar with Ender & co.’s tactics. Ultimately they face the enemy at their homeworld with a pitifully small fleet against vastly superior enemy numbers. In desperation, Ender sends his fleet in a suicidal attack that destroys the entire alien planet.

The twist is that what Ender took to be a training simulation for when he would command actual fleets from a distance was in fact real—that the ships he and his cohorts commanded were not simulated but actual; and the final, total destruction of the enemy was an actual genocidal (or “xenocidal,” I suppose) massacre.

The point here is that every time I play an online first-person shooter game, I get killed rather a lot—and I suspect that many of the people killing me are all of about twelve years old, kids raised not so much on as in computer and video games, whose intimate familiarity with these virtual environment is second nature … while for me, having grown up with the archaic technology of Space Invaders, ColecoVision and the Commodore 64, the extra split second it takes to be aware of things in those sophisticated virtual worlds is the difference between virtual life and virtual death.

Hence, the insistence of military engineers’ on the Playstation-esque qualities of roboticized warfare makes me think that Orson Scott Card’s dystopian vision was pretty spot on. One of the principal criticisms of the novel was its lack of believability (always a dubious thing when talking about SF, but that’s another discussion), insofar as some readers couldn’t accept the premise of twelve-year-olds exhibiting the kind of expertise as those in the novel. I’m not so sure. In the CGI industry, firms don’t hire computer programmers and train them to be artists—that would be futile. Rather, they hire artists and train them to use computers, because a talent for art is not something that can be taught. If warfare ever does come down to the remote operation of machines from computer terminals, who then becomes the best candidate—the twentysomething soldier relatively new to the intimacies and nuances of cutting-edge technology, or the ten-year-old prodigy who wipes the floor with people twice his age at computer game competitions?

And would the generals let him know those are real people he’s wiping out?

Saturday, February 10, 2007

The week that wouldn't end

Normally weekends don't make much of a difference in my life, nor have they for a long time. I frequently work half- or full days on Saturdays and Sundays, either at home or at the office, and my weekly schedule is open enough that if I'm totally overwhelmed, I can take some me-time midweek. It's one of the reasons I love my job.

But all I could think this week was "My god, is it Friday yet?"

I'm not sure what it was, but this week seemed to last forever. Part of it -- or much of it, I guess -- was simply the intersection of a variety of tasks and concerns. We're hiring two new people for next year, a postcolonialist and a Shakespearean, and we saw candidates for both; as I'm on the search comittee for the former, monday and tuesday were taken up with the interview and squiring the candidate around campus to her various meetings. We had a department meeting on Wednesday (always fun), a candidate for the renaissance job thursday and friday, and we hosted a poetry reading last night -- which, being on the Pratt Comittee, I was partially responsible for organizing this week.

Oh, and there was that teaching thing I do as well. On tap for this week was Alfred, Lord Tennyson in my second-year class, and The Human Stain by Philip Roth, the film Dark City and some apparently blood-pressure raising writings by erstwhile neocon Francis Fukuyama. Good times.

And marking essays ... though I did not get as much to to attend to that as I would have liked, as my second-years can attest. Monday, guys, I promise!

All in all, not exceptionally mind-blowing ... I hear my computer network-guy brother tell of his not infrequent 36-hour (or more) marathons getting a new network up and running, or of the all-nighters he pulls when a network goes down somewhere, and it makes me feel positively lazy. I think part of my problem this week was just frustration with the glacial progress of my own research. Considering that I come up for a formal interim tenure review in September, I'm getting a bit anxious about getting some writing out there. I have three articles on the go, two relatively close to completion and a third a little more of a ways off, but what they all need is a few days of focused attention. Would that I were that enviously hated species of academic who can devote the odd half-hour of free time that surfaces in a day to productive writing. But no ... I'm one of those who requires a certain amount of momentum, and that first half-hour is usually taken up in necessary screen-staring.

However, as Danine pointed out to me yesterday in a much-appreciated reality check, I'm actually in pretty good shape for the review, and when it gets down to it I can use the summer to devote uninterrupted time to the articles. (Given that the ideal plan however is to finally perform major surgery on my thesis this summer -- a task I look forward to as much as I would to, well, major surgery -- I'd really rather have them out of the way).

OK, enough of me whining about my week. Given the administrative circus I've been engaged in this week, I would like to provide my non-academic readers with one occasional glimpses into the machinery of academia offered here on this humble blog. The topic du jour: the academic job interview.

I bring this up in part because of course I'm involved this year for the first time in the hiring process, but also because of a question raised by a student. I had let my second-years go a little early on Monday because I was heading directly from class to the two-hour interview with this week's candidate. One of my students commented, as we walked from class, "A two-hour interview? Wow, that's pretty intense." To which I responded: "That's just a fraction of the interview, actually."

You see, not satisfied with the various fiery hoops through which we have to jump over the course of a graduate degree -- comprehensive exams, ball-breaking scholarship applications, the thesis, the thesis defense -- universities impose a particular species of hell on prospective faculty members in the form of the day-and-a-half interview. First of all, there's the process of application, in which you send your CV, letters of reference, teaching dossier, and writing sample (the assembling of which represents a week of work in and of itself), which the search committee pores over with excruciating minuteness.

(Seriously -- I was quite amazed at the level of detail with which we examined the applications. When the cut comes down to a handful of comparably impressive candidates, any mistake or inconsistency can sink an applicant. It made me somewhat incredulous that I ever made it to the interview stage).

Some universities then perform a series of phone interviews with a long list, and on the basis of that narrow it down. Mercifully, we skipped that step.

Then, if you're called in for an interview, you fly out to wherever the university is (we had two candidates come in from the prairies, which made for a lot of travel time), and you a subjected to a series of meetings with a variety of administrative types -- the Dean of Arts, Dean of Graduate Studies, Vice-President Academic, Faculty Relations, Faculty Union, and of course the Head of the Department -- all of whom ask you questions that are variations on the same theme: namely, Why Should We Hire You?

You also deliver a half-hour or so lecture to the department to demonstrate your research chops, followed by a half-hour question period. And then of course is the interview with the search committee, which here lasts two hours.

Also on the roster: an open lunch to which all members of the department and graduate students are invited, and dinner with a three or four faculty members. And if there is one thing drummed into you -- if you come from a university nice enough to train its graduate students in how to interview well -- it's that there is no time during this process when you are not being interviewed. So in other words, limit yourself to one glass of wine with dinner, and keep your game face on. More than a few promising candidates have sunk their chances by saying something off-colour after one glass of wine too many.

The basic idea behind all this is partially to test the candidate's stamina. This is an exhausting process, even if you're gregarious and like to talk about yourself (as I do). I can't even begin to imagine the seven types of hell endured by people who are shy. At MUN, we're actually comparatively humane -- spreading it out over a day and a half gives the candidates a breather here and there, and our faculty is generally very friendly and courteous. Some universities however make a point of cramming it all into one endless day ... starting at 8am, leaving no time between meetings, and basically trying to run the candidate off his or her feet. Also, some people, even if they're otherwise very nice, will be difficult or even hostile in the job talk question period, or the interview -- principally to see if they can rattle the candidate, to get him or her to drop their guard.

Yes, we're all really rather mad here.

Friday, February 02, 2007

I'll take oddly-named stage managers for 500, Alex ...

Answer: Tiggers are wonderful things.

Question: What is the wonderful thing about Tiggers, Alex?

So this falls into the realm of the ultra-cool: one of my dearest friends will be a contestant on Jeopardy! The Lovely and Amazing Tigger Jourard -- Trivia Geek, Theatrical Martinet and Stage Manager Extraordinaire -- flies to sunny LA to tape her episode on February 7. And I'm betting that the only way she won't be kicking serious ass is if they decide to bring back Ken Jennings. Even then, Mr. Smartie-pants better bring his A-game.

Read about it all here.

For those who don't know Tigger, she and I were joined at the hip for all four plays I've directed ... and let me tell you now if you're thinking of dabbling in the directorial end of the theatrical pool, you need to find yourself a Tigger to be your stage manager. It helps that she was actually a professional stage manager for eighteen years, before finally leaving theatre for sanity reasons. I met her in winter of 2000 (well, I'd met her before, but only really got to know her at this point) when she agreed to come out of retirement as it were to stage manage a production of Joe Orton's Loot that a friend of hers was acting in. I was playing Hal (the last time I acted in a play, incidentally), and we hit it off immediately. That summer I made my first tentative foray into directing with UWO's Summer Shakespeare ... and I asked Tigger if she would be willing to stage manage.

The conversation went something like this. Tigger: "What play do you want to do?" Me: "Richard III." Tigger: "OK. What story do you want to tell?"

At first I thought the question was a bit wacky. What story? Richard III, of course! But then as I thought about it, it made increasingly more sense, and I realized the depth of this woman's wisdom. And the rest is history.

Here's Tigger relaxing with her hubby Bryan. Please note the Macbeth shirt he's wearing.


Answer: all our love and best wishes.

Question: What are we sending with Tigger to LA, Alex?

Break a leg, sweetie!

Monday, January 29, 2007

Thirty-five years, port and cigars, and the harlequin's disturbing package

I am now thirty-five years old, and wondering exactly when that happened. I certainly don't feel thirty-five; every time I think of my age, I have a little anxiety attack in which I think to myself that I haven't been doing anything with my life ... at which point I have to remind myself about the whole PhD thing and the tenure-track job. That doesn't seem entirely real yet though; I've come to the conclusion that grad school functions as a sort of extended adolescence, and when you finally get gainful employment -- which, society has been telling on a not-so-subliminal level should be happening in your mid-twenties -- the fact of that employment seems out of whack with your actual age.

Thanks to everyone who offered me birthday wishes in my previous post, and for everyone who called or emailed yesterday ... and let me wish a belated happy birthday to Rebecca, and an early happy birthday to my old friend Susan, who joins me in the 35-club on Friday.

One of the annoying things about turning 35? I can no longer refer to myself as being in my "early 30s," which of course I was doing up until Saturday ... I will now be mid-thirties until January 27th, 2012 ...

I celebrated making it halfway to 70 (seven-twentieths of a century!) by going out on Saturday with friends to the Duke of Duckworth, and drinking rather a lot. And in spite of my prohibition against the bringing of gifts, Danine and Jamie gave me a lovely bottle of port, and Nancy and Marco a rather splendid Cohiba. Port and cigars! A rather serendipitous pair of gifts, which I enjoyed yesterday evening. My gift to myself yesterday was a day of doing no work, of watching DVDs, and cooking myself a nice meal. I had settled on doing a prime rib roast, but the grocery store, annoyingly, did not have any ... so I had to resort to plan B, which was beef tenderloin. Beef tenderloin, roasted potatoes and asparagus, and grilled radicchio. Not bad, if I do say so.

And after dinner I treated myself to a few rounds of my current favourite computer game, a Risk-like nineteenth-century warfare game in which, yesterday, I was playing as the British Empire. I felt very British indeed, sipping port, smoking the cigar and kicking Napoleonic ass the hell out of Spain and Portugal. Good times.

Speaking of good times, Saturday night certainly was ... I love getting somewhat drunk with my friends here, not least because the conversations invariably take the most bizarre turns. Those of my in-town readers familiar with the Duke of Duckworth will also be familiar with the creepy-ass lamp they have in the back corner, where we'd plunked ourselves on Saturday night. The lamp is a very disturbing statue of a commedia del'arte-style harlequin with his arms folded over his chest and his hips thrust forward such that whoever sits in that corner, should he or she glance back over their shoulder, is presented with the harlequin's crotch (garbed of course in skin-tight tights) at eye level.

It takes one's fear of clowns to an entirely new level.

Anyway, much of the evening was spent laughing about the harlequin's disturbing package, and I kept thinking to myself "I have to replicate this conversation on my blog." Alas, age and alcohol intervened and, while I remember having the conversation, the details escape me. Except for the bit when we speculated on what superhero or supervillain the harlequin with the lamp in his head might be. Or would he be a sidekick? And would his disturbing package be the source of his super-powers? And would he sound like Hugh Grant, or more like Peter Lorre?

For those who wonder what kind of genteel intellectual discussions English professors have over drinks ...

Friday, January 26, 2007

Wanted: one quantum shower

So sunday is my birthday, and I've decided what gift I most want: I want a shower that stops time. I made this decision this morning when, running late, I had one of those luxurious hot rejuvenating showers, the pleasure of which was denuded because I was painfully aware the entire time that I was running late.

Thus, I need a shower that stops time when I step into it. A shower that will let me take as much time as I want letting the hot water wake me up. And when I step out of the shower, it will be exactly the same time it was when I got in.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Snow Day #1


I have learned my lesson well, and I will under no circumstances be venturing outside today. Last year, a newbie to Newfoundland snow, I managed to get my car stuck in every single major snowstorm we had.

Not this year. I've learned: keep a cache of comfort food and comfort booze, DVDs you like, and blankets that might not necessarily be needed (because you've hiked the heating up in response to the storm), but which still provide a sense of smug satisfaction as you wrap yourself in them and look out at the snow.

This does put a bit of a crimp in my already-behind-the-eight-ball working schedule, as only about one-third of the things I was planning to get done today actually came home in my bag with me. On the other hand, today is an ideal day to get reading done: since getting up, I have read through the first third or so of Frankenstein, which we start next week in my second-year class. Having gone through two weeks so far of the nuts and bolts of reading poetry -- scansion, prosody, metrics, and all that rip-roaring fun stuff -- hopefully a good old-fashioned gothic novel will be a welcome break for my students.

My two classes are going well so far this semester, I think. Lestways, I'm having fun. However dry it might be, there is something deeply satisfying about teaching the basics of poetry. It's refreshingly concrete, and it lets you enjoy the poetry at the level of the language itself. And I've had enough students express enthusiasm for it to make me feel that I'm on the right track here.

The grad class is also going well -- I think. I say "I think" because we're really sort of early days here yet: we haven't started student seminars, and I'm front-loading a pretty broad range of theory and criticism on my students in order to establish the course's various meta-debates. The students are a good group, though (and I'm not entirely saying that because a know some of them read this blog) and the discussions we've had so far on the material have been promising. The first unit has been a little inchoate (partially by design, partially not) because of its topic (Sept. 11) and the principal text (Zizek's Welcome to the Desert of the Real! -- alas, one of those things that is currently sitting in my office, so I'll be doing some fast reading tomorrow morning!). But next week we start on Philip Roth's The Human Stain, and really get into some of the more focused issues at work in this course.

This semester so far has been an odd experience of going to extremes: introduction to scansion on one hand, and Slavoj Zizek's neo-Lacanianism on the other. I need to pass through a decompression chamber between wednesday afternoon and thursday morning.


Well ... the wind is howling outside and a fresh pot of coffee is ready, so I retire to my couch and read. I do so love my job.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

This just in: Stephen Colbert owns Bill O'Reilly

Just when you thought Stephen Colbert couldn't be more brilliant, you see this:




That's right ... Stephen Colbert being interviewed by Bill-O on the O'Reilly Factor. And the most brilliant part of this is that Stephen does it in character. That is to say: he puts on the persona he plays on The Colbert Report of the irrational right-wingnut modelled explicitly on -- and who pays slavish devotion to -- Bill O'Reilly himself.


Talk about holding a mirror up to nature.


I think what I love most about this is that O'Reilly so obviously wants to nail Colbert as an effete liberal elite, but runs up against his own "interview" tactics at every turn -- and you can see that he's conflicted because Stephen's persona keeps heaping lavish praise on him, and though he knows it's an act, his ego just can't help responding.


I love the fact that both times O'Reilly has taken on Colbert and Jon Stewart on his show, he's run up against a wall. Stewart's interview wasn't funny like Colbert's, but in a lot of ways it was more telling. He played it so cool that O'Reilly had nowhere to go. He kept trying to bait Stewart (try counting just how many times he calls The Daily Show's audience "stoned slackers"), but Stewart never rose to it. O'Reilly kept prodding and prodding, saying ever more ridiculous and absurd things, and Stewart basically gave him just enough rope to hang himself.




And I reiterate:


Get Lewis Black as the press secretary, Rob Cordry as Secretary of Defense and Samantha Bee as Chief of Staff and we're off to the races.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The blogging prof

So I was interviewed this week for a feature in the student newpaper The Muse. The subject? Professors who blog. The news editor Sheena Goodyear (whose own blog is linked to the right here) contacted me last semester and asked if I'd be willing to be interviewed ... then postponed it when she had difficulty finding other blogging professors.

But find some she did, and the interview went forward this week. It's a nice piece (click here), though the picture of me is pretty horrible. I'm not sure how I'm sitting, but I seem to have managed to retract my chin into my neck. Ick.

I was afraid that too much would be made about the Untitled Newfoundland Zombie Project, and at first glance that seemed to be the case (my quotable quote under my picture, in much bigger font in the paper than online, is zombie-centric), but that didn't prove the be the case -- a well-written, balanced bit of work, especially impressive considering that Sheena's tape recorder turned out not to have worked, and I didn't get my emailed comments to her in time, so she was essentially writing from memory. Nicely done.

Two things though, a correction and an attribution. First, here's a section of the article:

He first realized he had student readers after he posted a proposal that all TV shows exist in the same universe, using specific references. “This student came up to me and said, ‘You watch the Gilmore Girls?’” he said, laughing. “At first I wondered how he knew that, then I realized he must have read it on the blog.”

The student in question was actually a she, a student named Elsa from my English 2000 class last year. Just so she knows I wasn't referring to her in the interview with the masculine pronoun.

Secondly, "His friend summed up the secret to his success when he told Lockett, 'You only post when you have something to say.'" I don't entirely know that that's necessarily the case, but it was a nice compliment, and it was courtesy of Jeremy Worth, aka the Duke of Clarence. Thanks for that one.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Word of the day

My word of the day, which I just now encountered while reading Fredric Jameson, is "obnubilate." It means, apparently, to "obscure," to "make unlcear or less visible."

Question: we know that onomatopoeia refers to words that mimic the sounds they describe (like "bang" or "quack"). Is there a term for words that embody the quality or action they describe? Because, really, coming across "obnubilate" was a truly obnubilating (obnubilatory?) experience.

Observation: theory-speak does delight in those kind of words, doesn't it? One of my favourite theory-speak words before now was "obfuscate," which of course means the exact same thing. Well! Out with the old, in with the new. I will from here on in always refer to "obnubilating discourse."

And to show Fredric Jameson at his obnubilating best, here's the locution in which I found the word embedded: "obnubilated with a spurious apotheosis."

Sweet.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Finally: we've reached a point when saying "Jack" doesn't automatically connote Nicholson ...


Some thoughts apropos of last night's two-hour season premiere of 24 ...

1) Is is just me, or is the show managing to polarize the torture=necessary evil / civil rights=danger debate even further than it already has? I wouldn't have thought that possible, but here we are. Evan Handler's star turn in season 4 as the querulous ACLU lawyer was bad enough -- now we have the president's sister presented as an hysterical evidence-shredder. Also, I liked the president's qualification that most historians see the internment of Japanese in WWII as an blot on America's history. Most? That's kind of like saying most historians agree that the Holocaust happened. Is seriously there anyone besides Anne Coulter or Michelle Malkin who still attempts to defend internment?

(2) The stab wound Jack received to the shoulder healed pretty quickly, seeing as he was neat and trim in a snug gray shirt soon after with no sign of blood seeping.

(3) It's nice to see Dr. Bashir (Alexander Siddig) of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine getting work. I was never exactly a loyal viewer of DS9, but I always liked his character. He has to find it slightly ironic however, that having anglicized his name from "Siddig El-Fadil" to "Alexander Siddig" midway through his Star Trek tenure that he now seems to be typecast into the role of the enigmatic Arab.

(4) Speaking of typecasting: it's a pretty breathtaking display of Hollywood's Middle Eastern & Arab bench strength when you see Kal Penn (Kumar of Harold and Kumar fame) and Newfoundland's own Shaun Majumder from This Hour Has 22 Minutes being cast as sinister terrorists. It must be a rather ambivalent comfort to actors of Middle Eastern or subcontinental descent to know that, whatever else happens, they can always get roles playing terrorists.

(5) Yet more typecasting: the big dumb blond redneck guy who beats up Kumar (sorry, I really can't think of him as anything else) and gets shot for his trouble looked really familiar ... then I recognized him from the Vietnam drama Tour of Duty in which he played -- wait for it! -- a big dumb blond redneck guy. 24: where creative casting goes to die.

(6) And yet, I can't wait for more ...

Friday, January 12, 2007

Science v. Religion: Round One

So one of my students from last semester made a spirited argument the other day that the main character of the Untitled Newfoundland Zombie Project should not be a scientist but a religious studies student, on the ground that mystically animated zombies are more interesting than the dead who walk because of a viral thing.

I don't know that I grant this premise, especially with news every day (it seems) of new outbreaks of norwalk.* But that's another anxiety for another day.

Arguing the aesthetics, however, my student made a rather good point, which is that with a mystical underpinning, the climactic fight could take place in a library rather than a lab, which would make for a much creepier sequence.

Fair point.

Though I'm pretty set on having the living dead in this story being the result of an infection, I'm also pretty inclusive ... and though I keep referring to the "main character," as I've stated before, this is conceived of as an ensemble piece. So a religious-studies student gets added to the roster: I'm thinking it'll be someone who gets increasingly unhinged as the story unfolds, convinced that the zombies are the result of God's wrath and ultimately becomes a danger to the other survivors when he attempts to sabotage the epidemiology student's possible solution.

So for those keeping track, the list of established characters now includes: Meg, our science grad student, a bunch of Hanson-brothers-esque varsity hockey players, and a religious-studies student resistant to the scientific explanation for the zombies. I think I'll call him Johnny.

-----------------

*When I googled "norwalk" to make sure I was getting the spelling correct, the virus was not the first hit -- the first was "Norwalk Furniture Corporation Manufacturing." Time for a business name change, perhaps ... unless their target demographic happens to be people panicking about a virus but also in need of a tasteful-yet-understated set of end tables.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

New blogs!

Well, my little brother -- you remember, He What Is King -- has jumped on the blogging bandwagon. He has for some time desired to build a cedar-strip canoe, and this past Christmas Santa provided him with the means to get started ... and our father, handyman and carpenter extraordinaire, is along for the ride. And, ostensibly to document their progress on the vessel (but really because he wants to be more like me), Matt has started a blog to do just that: the "Lockett & Son Canoe Project." Follow their progress as they build the steam box for the bending of cedar strips! Gasp in awe as they lay the keel! Marvel at how you only ever seem to see my dad at the power tools! Truly, it promises to be an edge-of-your-seat roller coaster a la 24 ...

Speaking of nail-biting blogs, the Untitled Newfoundland Zombie Project has been erected (resurrected? conjured?) here. I have posted the prologue, in which our intrepid heroine and her short-lived boyfriend get waylaid while jogging around Quidi Vidi Lake. I will post further instalments as the procrastinatory need strikes me, but realistically this thing will wax and wane in direct proportion to my busy-ness this term (i.e. don't look for the next instalment any time soon). Comments and suggestions are desired, and soon I might ask for contributions -- perhaps making this a truly collaborative effort.

In the meantime, can anyone tell me how I can change my profile picture (or remove it entirely) on the zombie blog, without similarly changing or deleting it from this one?

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Getting the ducks in a row

Classes start tomorrow.

I was working on the prep for my grad course this morning. Some of you will have heard this spiel from me before ... but it's fun to share.


Did you know that a person who studies cave formations is called a speleologist?

Which means that if he studied the ends of caves, he'd be a teleological speleologist.

If he studied the ends of caves and had a specific political agenda, he'd be an ideological teleological speleologist.

If he studied the ends of caves at the end of the world and had a specific political agenda, he'd be an eschatological ideological teleogical speleologist.


Yeah. Classes begin tomorrow.

Anyone want to continue ...?

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Potholes and zombies

Sometimes you regret your little whims -- such as today, when I was driving along Military Road, heading down toward Torbay Road in the pursuit of errands. For no particular reason, I turned left on a street whose name I don't know up to Circular Road. Why? I don't know. Variety, perhaps. It was taking me in the direction I needed to go anyway, so what the hell.

Halfway between Military and Circular I hit the Mother of All Potholes, sending a shock through my car that, while painful, didn't seem much worse than other pothole strikes I've had since moving here (for the uninitiated, St. John's is the Pothole Captital of Canada -- the frequent oscilations of temperature a few degrees above and below zero all winter long make our streets a veritable slalom of divots come spring). A few seconds after turning onto Circular however, my front passenger-side wheel started making that tell-tale lugubrious wobble.

There's nothing quite like the sinking feeling of getting a flat.

Still, I shouldn't complain -- if there was a time and place to blow out a tire, this was it: on a beautiful mild sunny afternoon just around the corner from the Kingsmill Service Center. Leaving my poor stricken Corolla, I walked down and returned with one of their cheerful and helpful mechanics. Then ensued a fun little bit of travel, where he'd pump my tire, I would drive for about a hundred feet and stop, and he'd pump it again. All the way to the garage.

Would you believe this is the first time I've ever been struck with a flat tire? I'm pretty blessed when it comes to car trouble ... what crises I've had have always been a little like this one: close to home or otherwise situated conveniently, as opposed to on a lonely stretch of highway miles from anywhere. I'm touching wood on that one.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that little escapade, if for no other reason than I'm seriously considering returning to the scene of the crime, taking a picture of the offending pothole and trying to get my money back from the city. A long shot perhaps, but at least then I'll be able to post pictures of a hole on my blog.

Which brings us of course to the Untitled Newfoundland Zombie Project (actually, the segue's not quite that abrupt -- as I walked from my car to the garage, I mentally cursed Danny Boyle for having used the must-change-flat-tire-before-zombies-get-here sequence in 28 Days Later, which means of course that I can't now use it myself). I was oddly heartened to hear that my idea's not entirely original, and quite taken with the university-dorm setting titled Residence Evil ... not exactly the same kind of narrative I was thinking of, but it occurred to me: of course we have to have a few scenes take place in rez! Why our heroes would need to make a foray into those buildings I don't know. A reason must be found! Obviously, this means that one of our besieged ensemble will have to be a first-year student, and he/she will have something in his/her residence room of vital necessity for the fighting of the zombie hordes. But what is it? Suggestions solicited.

The other plot point that has occurred to me is that our putative heroine, Meg, isn't a biochem grad student but is instead studying epidemiology. In the tradition of the science-saves-the-day-in-a-weirdly-simplistic-fashion deus ex machina (a tradition with a well established pedigree, from the SF B-movies of the 50s to Independence Day), it makes sense that Meg will have been working on some series of experiments that will contain the secret to defeating the zombie hordes ...

Or perhaps: it was those experiments themselves that were responsible for the outbreak? Hmmmm ....

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Back in the land of wind and shadows

Well, I'm back ... and was nearly knocked off my feet by the wind the moment I left the terminal. Ah, it's good to be home here in the land of wind and shadows, which is incidentally also the place that Mr. Sparkle banishes dirt. Or is that the land of wind and ghosts (which may or may not be Labrador)? I get confused.

So, 2007 eh? That doesn't seem right, somehow. It was bad enough when I'd think back to something that happened in the late 1990s and realize how long ago it was ... now I'm doing the same thing with the early 2000s. Not happy about that. Also not happy that I turn 35 at the end of the month, but that's a whole nother kettle of anxieties.

Here's another reason I hate New Year's: my year doesn't begin in January, but in September. And yet here comes December 31st, and I fall prey to all the retrospective musing and maundering that is in the air. I hold the whole New Year's resolution thing in about the same amount of contempt as I do New Year's Eve celebrations, but I find myself making them anyway. It takes a conscious effort not to start making promises to myself about the ways in which I'm going to shape up in the new year -- it seems to be almost an instinctive thing. Which is very annoying.

So I've decided to just surrender myself to the impulse. I won't bother sharing the usual raft of resolutions (eat better, drink less, lose weight, write a book, and win the Ultimate Fighting Championship), but the one I've been shamefully putting off can go out there for suggestions: READ NEWFOUNDLAND FICTION.

Yup, there it is. I've been living here a year and a half (almost), and still the only two local novels I've read are The Navigator of New York by Wayne Johnston and The Nine Planets by Edward Riche. Sad, really, that in such a vibrant literary culture I haven't made myself more at home. I'm overdue, and must rectify that in the next year -- if for no other reason than it seems impossible to go into a pub in St. John's and not run into one of our literary luminaries. And really, it gets a bit embarassing when you haven't read a word of their prose.

So here's the request: I have a rough list of books in my head I should read, but I ask, nay, implore my Newfoundland readers to make suggestions about what I should add to it (and with a nod to one of my occasional commentators, This Much is True by Tina Chaulk is on the mental list already).

Speaking of good reading, I read a trio of excellent books over the holidays -- two of them, I'm happy to say, recommended to me by students. The first of the three was Neil Gaiman's novel American Gods. As I''ve mentioned before, I do love the SF and fantasy, provided it's done well. And I've always loved Neil Gaiman's Sandman comic-book series, but I've never read any of his novels -- excepting the very funny Good Omens, which he co-wrote with Terry Pratchett. American Gods proceeds from one of the ideas he develops in Sandman, namely that gods' strength and indeed existence waxes and wanes with the devotion, fervor and sacrifice of their human followers. Thus, in contemporay America, the old gods that followed the original settlers still live on American soil but have weakened in the face of such new gods as media, fame, technology and (I loved this one!) conspiracy. And an epic showdown is in the offing ...

Next I read Michael Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavelier and Clay, a novel about the golden age of comic books in the late 1930s. I won't even begin to get into the plot here: suffice it to say that Chabon very deftly and elegantly touches upon the deeply-inscribed need, expressed in superhero comics, for fantasy and escape ... and believe me when I say that summary does no justice whatsoever to this wonderful novel.

Mind you, given how many times over the holidays I recommended this novel to people who had already read it, this is likely old news to my readers here. I think I might well be the last person in the English-speaking world to have read it at this point.

Finally, I read Michael Berube's book What's Liberal About the Liberal Arts?, which was a gift from Kristen. As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I am a huge fan of Berube, both as as an academic and a blogger himself. He regularly engages with right-wing attacks on academia -- especially those of David Horowitz & co. -- with wit and a keen intellect, and What's Liberal is his book-length response to the charge that the university is unfairly skewed toward leftist viewpoints and that liberal professors are indoctrinating the youth with their cant. Though this is not (with the exception of the occasional Margaret Wente column) quite the same issue in Canada, I highly recommend this book to academics and non-academics alike for its intelligence, lucidity and eloquence. I especially recommend it for anyone who's curious about what it means to be a professor today -- Berube does an excellent job of outlining what's at stake in our jobs and in the academy as a whole.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

New Year's Eve

We apologize for the forgoing silliness ... we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog about New Year's Eve dinner.


I really hate New Year’s Eve … I’ve never liked the pressure to revel so frenetically, the impossibility of getting a cab, the excessive cover charges for overcrowded clubs, and the general rampant yahooism that ensues. My friend Gregg summed it up beautifully once, saying that there are two days a year in which you are socially pressured to have a great time: the first is your birthday, and the second is New Year’s Eve. On your birthday, it’s easy … it’s all about you! You get presents, drinks bought for you, etc. On New Year’s Eve however, it’s everyone’s birthday.

So I was very pleased with New Year’s 2006 … Kristen and I stayed in, rented some films, and made an elaborate meal. So I thought I’d share our menu this evening …

We started with cocktails, of course …

RUBY RUM PUNCH

My relatives in Barbados years ago related to my parents the secret to the classic rum punch, summed up in this simple rhyme: “One of sour / Two of sweet / Three of strong / Four of weak.” Sour is fresh limejuice, sweet is sugar syrup, three is rum and four is water or shaved ice. I decided to add one of my favourite cocktail mixes: the juice of blood oranges. Blood oranges have a lovely semi-sweet citrus flavour, and add a gorgeous colour to things.

¼ cup fresh-squeezed lime juice
½ cup sugar syrup*
¾ cup Mount Gay Barbados Eclipse Rum (nothing else will do!)
¾ cup fresh-squeezed blood orange juice

You can either mix these in a pitcher and serve over ice, or shake in a martini shaker and serve in martini glasses. Either way, garnish with a few blood orange segments.

*for the sugar syrup: bring equal parts water and brown sugar to a boil. As soon as it’s boiling, take it off the heat and let it cool.


After much deliberation over the meal, we decided to be a bit decadent and get some beef tenderloin fillets, and to serve them with garlic mashed potatoes and Caesar salad, with crème brulée for desert. Kristen took care of the desert, and I did the meal.


CAESAR SALAD

I don’t strictly know the measurements for the dressing—I’ve been eyeballing it for a while now—so here’s something of an approximation.

1 egg
½ cup olive oil
1-1½ tbsp Dijon mustard
a few dashes of Worcester sauce
2 tsp pepper
2 tbsp red wine vinegar
¼ cup freshly grated parmesan cheese
1 anchovy, diced
4 garlic cloves, minced
one dash of Tabasco
the juice of half a lemon

You can either whisk the ingredients together in a bowl, or, if you like your Caesar dressing creamy, do it up in the blender. This should be more than enough for a single head of romaine. After dressing the salad, grate more fresh parmesan over top.

If you’re the kind of person (like me) who likes the bacon bits with the Caesar, here’s a way to swank it up a bit: get about ten thin slices of pancetta from the deli and cook them in a skillet until crisp. Remove and drain, and dice them up—putting aside a slice apiece for however many people you’re serving. Prop the pancetta slice up in the middle of each person’s salad. If you want to go even swankier, use the fat rendered from the pancetta to fry up some croutons. And if you want to go even swankier, make yourself some parmesan crisps: make piles of fresh (it must be fresh!) grated parmesan on a parchment-lined cookie sheet, and bake at about 350-400 degrees until they are melted and just starting to brown. Whatever you do, don’t forget about them … they cook pretty quickly, and smell pretty vile when burned. Let them cool, and then you’ve got a nifty little cracker you can add to the pancetta garnish.

God love the food network.


GARLIC MASHED POTATOES

This recipe is actually a fusion of regular garlic mashed potatoes and my grandmother’s recipe. It’s very simple: peel however many potatoes you need to cook. Also, peel a handful of garlic cloves, say one for every full potato. Boil the garlic with the potatoes. When the potatoes are done, mash them, garlic included. Add a generous amount of butter and milk and/or cream (everyone likes mashed potatoes done to varying degrees of chunkiness or smoothness, so let that be your guide for how much butter & cream you use). Now, add a dollop of cream cheese and a sprinkling of onion powder.

Here’s my fun option: if you have the potatoes sitting in a non-stick pot, leave it on the stove over medium heat until they brown on the bottom. With a spatula, fold the browned bits into the rest of the potatoes. Repeat as desired, based on how many crunchy bits you like in your mashed potatoes.


PEPPERED BEEF TENDERLOIN FILLETS

My second favourite cut of beef (#1 is prime rib). And easy to cook, though also easy to overcook. If you’re the kind of person who likes well done, save your money … you’re wasted on tenderloin.

Leave the fillets out for an hour or two beforehand, letting them come to room temperature. Coat lightly with olive oil and sprinkle on a touch of salt. Press cracked black pepper into both sides.

Heat a skillet, ideally cast-iron, over a ¾ heat burner. Drop in a knob of butter, swirling it around until it coats the skillet. Place in the fillets. Let cook for 3-4 minutes a side, making sure they develop a nice dark crust. Remove and let sit under foil for at least 5-10 minutes.

Now the fun part: if necessary, add a little more butter or olive oil. Add ½ of finely diced shallots. When shallots have sweated down a little, drop in a variety of diced mushrooms (½ cup to a cup). Sautee for a few minutes, until mushrooms have about halved in size. Deglaze the skillet with red wine and beef broth. Bring to a simmer, and let it reduce by about a half.

There’s your sauce.

A further option is to slice a Portobello mushroom cap into ¼ inch slices and sautee them in butter until nicely browned. Top your fillets with the mushrooms, and spoon the sauce over top.

I realize now, as I write this up back in my parents’ study (I came back to TO today, will be flying to St. John’s tomorrow), that I didn’t get Kristen’s crème brulee recipe … so you’ll have to be satisfied with a picture:

Rest assured, they were delicious.

Happy New Year’s, everyone.

Never again ...

... do I let my brother have access to the computer when I'm logged in and midway through a blog entry.

And here I was thinking that, since he had Morgan with him, he was less likely to misbehave.

My Little Brother is King!!

I hereby state that my little brother is:

1) Smarter
2) Better Looking
3) Way cooler than anybody I know!

Thanks you....


PS - Dont leave your blog account logged in or people may post things you don't want posted.

Cheers,
Chris - The less cool brother...

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Untitled Newfoundland Zombie Project

So with Christmas over but the holidays still in full langor, my mind turns naturally to thoughts of zombies.

Last January, as I mentioned on this blog, I was coming back from the gym on a foggy and wet evening. I paused on the pedway between the Aquarena and the track, arrested by the view—a lot of people moved about in the fog as indeterminate, ghostly forms, lit by the hazy nimbuses surrounding the street lights. It was very eerie and, indeed, haunting, and the seed of a thought took root in my mind. I had recently been making use of the extensive tunnels underneath MUN—themselves quite creepy in places—and I imagined a horror film narrative in which individuals trapped inside barricaded buildings by the requisite zombies are forced to venture into the tunnels to find food and other necessities. Fighting their way through the dark tunnels, they would establish safe zones and routes between buildings by killing the zombies in the tunnels and barricading them … suffering of course casualties along the way, etc etc.

This idea has had a surprisingly vibrant half-life in my imagination and has been a frequent topic of conversation with some friends and colleagues. I once even mentioned it to our new Dean of Arts as a group walked back through the tunnels from a reception for pre-tenure Arts faculty a few weeks ago.

At any rate, the other day for my own amusement I knocked out a sketch of the prologue for the script, in which two graduate students go running around Quidi Vidi Lake on a Saturday morning in October, and are beset by a mob of zombies (inspired by my own eerie run in thick fog this past August after watching 28 Days Later for the first time). This little diversion demonstrated two things to me: (1) I suck at writing dialogue, and (2) this was fun.

So I was thinking this might be entertaining as an ongoing project … the various conversations with friends and colleagues have cemented certain elements in place, the big one being that the story must have a specifically Newfoundland character and take place at (and under) Memorial. The other necessary plot points are as follows:

(1) The prologue takes place at Quidi Vidi Lake, and the protagonist must make her way from there to MUN. She is a biochem grad student. I don’t know why she feels compelled to go to school after suffering zombie attack and losing her boyfriend, but there we are.
(2) The hockey team must be involved, wearing their jerseys and using their sticks as weapons. The obligatory defensive goons will be in the vanguard of the various fights, and if they end up resembling the Hanson brothers, that wouldn’t be a bad thing.
(3) The principals must start out at the Field House, barricaded on the top level with zombies wandering around the track area. From there they will venture out to the Smallwood Center to find food, and the science building to get access to chemicals and stuff for improvised weapons.

So here’s the tentative plan: I will write segments and post them (either here or elsewhere) and solicit comments and suggestions. I have no idea where this story will go, so the plot is very open-ended. Also, I’m still a Newfoundland neophyte and will need advice on the nuances of the various in-jokes and personality conflicts that would make this a uniquely Rock-flavoured zombie film. The last thing I’d want is for it to devolve into an extended Newfie joke …

Also, I can’t promise anything resembling regular installments, especially once the semester gets busy. This well might wither on the vine.

But still—any thoughts?

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Christmas Eve wrap-up

Happy Christmas Eve, all ... it's been a tough time around here on the Lockett homestead for me lately, what with all the resting and relaxing and eating and drinking ... I've had to pace myself. Tonight we had our Christmas Eve dinner of roast beef and yorkshire pudding, so I'm trying to type through a food & wine stupor that would stun a team of oxen in their tracks. But I soldier on, because I'm just that much of a trouper.

Yesterday evening we had my Dad's family over. And what do you think was the focus of everyone's attention? I'll give you a hint: she isn't quite 18 months old, she likes throwing potatoes on the kitchen floor, and she's already a Leafs fan:


The last time I saw Morgan, at Thanksgiving, she was just starting to walk. She has in the interim learned to run. A few interesting facts about my beautiful niece:

(1) She recognizes herself in photos, and when asked who that little girl is will point to herself.
(2) She can make animal sounds for cats, dogs, mice, lions, sheep and owls.
(3) She can imitate the mannerisms of penguins, beavers and rabbits.
(4) When asked "What does M-O-R-G-A-N spell?" She points to herself. When asked what any combination of letters spell, she still points to herself.
(5) She likes to dance, which at the moment consists of bouncing unsteadily up and down and occasionally falling.
(6) She laughs and laughs and laughs. Unfortunately this picture is slightly blurry, but you get the idea:


When she spotted our log Rudolph on the deck, it held her fascination for a full five minutes:



Oh, and there were other people here yesterday too. Watching Morgan in rapt fascination here are, from left to right, my Aunt Rose, Uncle Mike and Aunt Carolyn.


Here are my cousin Lauren, Aunt Theresa and Aunt Rose.


Lauren and her dad, my Uncle Ron.


Lauren, who I'm pretty sure was Morgan's age about three weeks ago, just finished her first semester at Western. So: to my UWO people, heads up! If you see Lauren around, say hi and give her food. In three months, you can also give her beer.

In other news, the Dickens megalopolis suffered this year from congestion issues when my parents' installation of a gas fireplace in the living room forced my father to shorten the table on which the Victorian urban space resides. Though this did curtail some of its incipient suburban sprawl and rejuvenated the downtown businesses.


And just a half hour ago we carted down all the presents from upstairs to put under the tree.


So on the night before Christmas, I wish everyone the best of the season. May your stockings tomorrow be full of exceptionally cool stuff. Slainte!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Late entry ...

And I am shocked and ashamed that I forgot one of the greatest Christmas songs of all time in my previous post.

How could I forget The Pogues? "And the boys in the NYPD choir were singin' 'Galway Bay' / And the bells were ringin' out for Christmas Day" ... For your viewing and listening pleasure, dear friends, I give you "Fairytale of New York."

My top five Christmas songs

I've been thinking about this one for a few days ... how to choose? Do I go by the song itself, or the specific version as sung by a particular person/group?

Because so much of the pleasure of Christmas for me lies in memories and associations, it's impossible to separate a song from its given performances. So "The Little Drummer Boy" in the abstract is nothing to write home about, but as sung by the duet of Bing Crosby and David Bowie it has particular resonance for me. So I'll start with my top five in the abstract, then move on to the real list:

5. Silent Night
4. Adestes Fideles
3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
2. Good King Wenceslas
1. God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman

Yup, I'm pretty much a traditionalist with just the basic songs. And now the other list:

5. "The Twelve Days of Christmas," as sung by John Denver and the Muppets.
This, I think, is one of my favourite Christmas specials, and you hardly ever see it aired any more. And a quick perusal of Amazon didn't turn up a DVD of it ... what gives? Why has this most treasured of Christmas specials been consigned to oblivion? Just watch John Denver's face as he sings with the Muppets -- few humans have ever entered the Jim Henson world with quite that ease.


4. "The Little Drummer Boy" as sung by Bing Crosby and David Bowie.
Haunting is all I can say about this version -- and a great cross-generational moment. Originally aired as part of Bing's holiday special in 1977. The banter preceding the song is a bit stilted, but kind of funny anyway. "You're the poor American relation?" Hehee.


3. "White Christmas" as sung by Bing Crosby
Yup, more of Der Bingle ... the voice without which Christmas wouldn't just feel right.


2. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" as sung by Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan.
This is the song that had to be on the list simply because I love the original carol. Pretty much any version will do for me, but I particularly like this one -- mainly for Sarah's vocals. Sorry about the generic video; there wasn't anything else attached to the song on YouTube.


1. "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" as sung by the Charlie Brown ensemble.
This never fails to make me cry. Unfortunately (and oddly), nobody has posted the song itself on YouTube, but there's a whole bunch of Linus' monologue available ... which is almost as good.


Runners-Up: Loreena McKennit singing "Good King Wenceslas"; "Auld Lang Syne" at the end of It's a Wonderful Life; the sequence on the first season West Wing Christmas episode, in which "The Little Drummer Boy" is sung by a boys' choir at the White House while Toby attends the funeral of a homeless Korea veteran; all of the jazz piano in the Charlie Brown Christmas special; "Do They Know It's Christmas" (the original!); Sting, "Gabriel's Message"; Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, "Marshmellow World."

What's everyone else's list?

Friday, December 22, 2006

Dear Donald Trump

You're a dick. Of course, you are well aware of this fact, given that you've made a career out of it, and The Apprentice is really about being the Biggest Dick -- both in terms of its celebration of business machismo and its corrective to Dale Carnegie ("How to betray friends and foster enmity" would be a good subtitle).

What you might not appreciate is that you're a stupid dick. In fact, you might well be the only person in the television-watching universe who doesn't grasp this fact, which is quite an achievement. At the very least, you should considering firing whoever handles your PR. Assuming that this row with Rosie O'Donnell is genuine and not a publicity stunt, you've entirely taken the wrong tack, and continue -- bafflingly! -- to dig yourself deeper in the muck.

The best thing for you to have done was NOTHING. Ignore it. Laugh it off. Shake your head pityingly. Communicate to everyone involved that O'Donnell's comments didn't even appear on your radar. You had a golden opportunity to respond with class, and you blew it.

You know why? Because Rosie O'Donnell merely said what was on everybody's mind, which is "Where the hell do you get off dictating others' morality?" Even here, you could have responded with something like "Because I own the damn show, and it isn't about me, it's about the public perception of Miss America." Which is not going to sway anyone who, like me, already loathes the show, but would at least be a straightforward and logical answer.

Instead, you got down in the gutter and (1) mocked Rosie O'Donnell's weight and appearance, (2) took shots at her lesbianism and (3) threatened legal action. Legal action? Are you kidding me? Is your massive ego really so fragile that you can't resist fighting back with insults and specious claims of being libeled?

Sorry, stupid question.

As for the insults, that's what we in the business call an ad hominem argument, Donald -- a logical fallacy in which you do not respond to the substance of someone's claim but dispute it by impugning them in some way. Rosie O'Donnell is unattractive, ergo her words are meaningless. Of course, I really don't expect anything less from a man whose pursuit of arm-candy has become so obsessive that you literally purchased Miss America.

PS -- Thank you also for wasting the airwaves and my brain cells on this. Especially around Christmas. I suppose I should take my own advice and ignore it all, but I really felt someone needed to call you a stupid dick. For cathartic reasons.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Storming the consumerist citadel


So today I ventured out into the raging torrents of humanity to do my last-minute Christmas shopping. Except that it was also my first-minute Christmas shopping. How is it that I always manage to do this to myself?

Except that today I think I have to go ahead and crown myself king of efficient shoppers: everything taken care of in the space of a single day. Not that I have a vast number of people to shop for, mind you, but still enough to make compressing all of it into one day more than a little nerve-wracking. Which made the efficiency and ease of today's shopping a little eerie ... I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now I'm getting nervous that I've made awful choices.

I went out to do the last few items this evening, which was oddly pleasant. Odd, because of course I was in the midst of the last frenzied rush of people who, like me, had left things right to the end but lacked my apparently zen-like calm in the midst of chaos. But I rather enjoyed wandering around the mall this evening looking at the faces alternating between crazed panic and shellshocked consumerism-induced torpor.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Christmas hibernation

The first few days of Christmas vacation back in TO at my parents' place is a little like a luxurious submersion ... I always get lost in the comforts of home, eating well and drinking well and sleeping in and just generally doing absolutely nothing. Then after a few days, usually wakened by the fact of my yearly tradition of last-minute shopping, I emerge blinking.

Really, it's quite nice. As I've said before on this blog, I'm one of those apparently rare people in academia who quite enjoys spending time with his parents. And wow, do they know how to do Christmas. My mother is sort of like Martha Stewart without the evil: she manages to decorate the house with a critical mass of Christmas decor that in anyone else's hands would be unavoidably kitschy, but with her deft touch is rather astounding. And the Dickens Village continues to grow, annexing suburbs and exurbs like a Victorian megacity.

Also, I've been able to see my niece Morgan a few times since getting home -- pictures to come when I replace the batteries in my camera and upload them to the computer.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Pre-holiday miscellany: categorical issues

Well, my bags are packed, etc. and I'm ready to be leeeeeaaaving on a jet plane for TO in a couple of hours, so I thought I might kill some time by doing some blog housework.

First thing: someone needs to educate me about this whole Blogger Beta thing. Every time I sign in, Blogger's informing me that my new beta-version blog is ready to go. I have thus far resisted switching over because I seem to remember Erin complaining about beta screwing up her blog when she switched ... and though her site now seems to be clicking along smoothly, I have a phobia about all things computer-cody.

It wasn't an issue before, except that now I can't seem to be able to comment on some blogs that have switched. They want me to sign in with my Google account, which I don't have, and though they say "you can also use your Blogger identity," there doesn't seem to be anything allowing me to do so. So I did sign up for a Google account, which should--I would think?--be redundant. And does switching to Beta clear this issue up?

Second: this became an issue when I decided to add some new links. I got an email from my old friend Susan, who's a diplomat working in Egypt, in which she included a Flickr photo album. So I thought, hey, let's add that to the friends' list. No worries there.

I'd also noticed recently that Passionate Rationality, the blog of former UWO media student Dallas Curow, has me listed under the links. Now, I only know Dallas by reputation (a pretty stellar reputation, it must be said), never having met her (I don't think) or had her in any of my classes at Western, but she is part of a network of former students whose blogs I have listed here ... and has also been munificent enough to take the troubled Brian Fauteux (Rants, Rock, and Reason) under her wing. In spite of not knowing her personally, I've linked to her rather splendid blog -- check out the photography! -- in the "friends" section, largely because it would be weird to have a whole new section titled "Western Media Students I Never Met or Taught But Who Are Dating a Student I Have Taught, and Whom I Know By Reputation," and then have poor lonely Dallas as the only one listed.

ANYWAY ... I attempted to say as much in the comments on her blog yesterday, which is when I discovered what I now believe to be the Beta issue when my comments wouldn't stick.

I've also added another former student, Jennifer Wilhelm, who after a year's hiatus seems to be having a go at something approaching regular entries on her blog. Keep it up, Jennie -- don't make me put Stephen Colbert put you on notice ...

Third: I've added a new category that I hope will grow, one dedicated to MUN bloggers. At present there are only four blogs listed, two by English grad students I know, and two by people I haven't met (I believe). I will add to this list as I learn of more blogs.

OK, time to get myself ready to head home. The next blog entry you read will be posted from the parents' study. Slainte!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The ghost of hair past

So it must be approaching Christmas -- I've been wandering around alternating between humming "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" and trying to get Band-Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" out of my head. The latter was on the radio the other morning, and got lodged in my subconscious rather firmly ... so I finally caved and called it up on YouTube when it occurred to me that I hadn't seen the video in ages.

My god, was my thought as I watched it, the hair! Or as Mr. Kurtz might have said, "the hairror ... the hairror ..." This is why I watch the return of 80s fashion with dismay. I can deal with the skinny jeans thing and the various other little trends that have resurfaced, but if we ever go back to having that kind of hair as fashionable, shoot me now. No wonder we suffered an ozone crisis back then ... with the sheer volumes of aerosol hairspray needed to maintain some of those do's, I'm surprised we didn't all asphyxiate on the particulate matter in the air.

Even Sting manages to have bad hair, though his not-quite-a-pageboy cut is infinitely better than Bono's mullet. Yeah, that's right there Mr. Hewson, you better wear that hat in the second half of the video. Please, hide your shame.

I was reminded, on searching for this video, that the song was redone in 2004 under the modified ensemble name "Band Aid 20," with an updated cast of characters, like Chris Martin, Dido and Robbie Williams (though Bono insisted that he get to sing his line from the original, even though they'd already recorded Justin Hawkins singing it). Though the hair in this one is much better on the whole, it lacks the power of the original ... and I kinda cringed at the sequence in the video where all the singers stand around in tearful silence and watch a b&w video of starving African children. That I found somewhat overdone, largely due to the fact that I couldn't help imagining the director haranguing them to "come on, look sadder."

Anyway, here's the remake.

Monday, December 11, 2006

"... and all the exams were tied neatly with a bow ..."

If I had more of a penchant for doggerel, right around now I would probably be compelled to compose a ballad a la The Night Before Christmas along the theme of finishing my grading for the term and the general pre-Christmas feel here in the groves of academe.

And we should all breathe a sigh of relief that I am not, in fact, so poetically inclined.

But that being said, I can say with a massive sigh of relief that I am DONE for the semester. I just submitted all my final grades for my twentieth-century novel course, having spent yesterday and today ploughing through the exams that were written on Saturday evening.

Saturday exams? Evil. Saturday evening exams? Doubly so. But then, that particular timing does have the advantage of being ideal for a post-exam outing. Thus, I and a not-inconsiderable portion of my American novel students ventured down to the Duke of Duckworth for some well-earned pints.

For all the relief of being finished, I'm a bit sad ... I had two amazing groups of students this semester, and teaching was genuinely a joy. I never had the feeling I get for a few days once a term, usually toward the end, in which the thought of dragging myself into the classroom makes me feel like Sisyphus. Didn't happen this semester. Which has me worrying a bit about the other shoe dropping next turn.

As I sat here, getting toward the bottom of the stack of exams, I engaged in one of my favorite Christmas traditions, which is to listen to Dylan Thomas reading "A Child's Christmas in Wales." Given that I blogged at length about the Divine Dylan last year, I won't chew over any of my favourite phrases and locutions ... but I found the story provided an ideal backdrop for the last stage of my teaching duties this term, and the beautiful rich rolling Welsh accents putting me in in the perfect headspace to break for Christmas.

Perhaps tonight I shall watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas ...

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Today's weather in backwards-world

Well, Al Gore did warn us that global warming could have the effect of visiting the extreme weather that is de rigeur in one part of the world on other locations.

Case in point: Laura, in London, sent me this picture yesterday. Isn't that supposed to be the image broadcast from St. John's to the rest of the country? Possibly the weather gods got a memo mixed up ...

Friday, December 08, 2006

"An Ontarian in Newfoundland": the Coles Notes

So, apropos of the weird using-this-blog-to-see-if-I'm-a-prof-you'd-want-to-take-a-class-with phenomenon, I thought I might try to make the process more expedient for people currently wading through old posts on my cat, the St. John's landscape, politics, books, etc. etc. by offering some representative entries.

Because I figured, well, this blog can sometimes be a bit schizoid. It has no theme ... it's principally what's in my head when I write a post. Which could get confusing if you're trying to figure out what I'd be like in the classroom.

Really, you're probably better off asking former students. Especially the one who said, on RateMyProfessors.com that "He's self-centered and arrogant and that's on the best of days." (I normally wouldn't suggest you use that individual as your resource, but then I write this post in the middle of marking papers, and it's at times like this that I think wistfully of low enrolments).

So here's the breakdown: in no particular order, posts that feature:

Me being pretentious 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Narcissism 1 2 3
Humour 1 2 3 4 5
My cat 1 2 3
My niece 1 2 3 4
Controversy 1 2 3 4
Food 1 2 3
My impressions of Newfoundland 1 2 3 4 5
Other students' impressions of me 1

I hope that helps. I also had a category for "excessive verbiage," but really that's almost as plentiful as the pretentiousness ... and, oddly enough, has a lot of overlap.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Traffic

So I've been told by more than one person that some prospective students have been checking out this blog by way of figuring out whether they want to take a class with me next semester.

Which makes me wonder: which way does the blog make them decide?

Which makes me further wonder: would I want to take a course with the author of this blog?

Honestly, I couldn't tell you -- though it might account for the slow but steady increase in my readership over the last month or so.

In what has turned out to be yet another way to distract myself from work, I signed up to SiteMeter at the end of last August, which gives me a breakdown of hourly, daily, weekly, monthly and yearly visits; sites linking to my blog from which some visitors came; their locations; and even a world map dotted with my readers. And every week SiteMeter emails me a breakdown of site traffic over the course of the previous seven days.

It is really too cool.

So here's this week's traffic so far:


So we topped out here on Monday with not quite 130 visits*; although the trends are by no means steady, I do seem to get Monday spikes -- everyone slowly getting into the work day, presumably, surfing the net in preparation for settling into whatever the new week brings.

This constitutes a new high, by the bye ... I haven't yet broken 130 visits in a day, but I've been steadily working up to it, as the monthly chart shows:

I like this. It's like my own personal Dow Jones. My yearly numbers haven't had much chance to do anything interesting -- again, I've only been on this since August -- but still! look at that steady increase ... up over 400 since September.**

Even more entertaining than the charts are the breakdowns giving the locations of visitors. While I have a predictably overwhelming Canadian contingent, with a healthy number of American hits ... and then a weird grab-bag that has run from Switzerland, Indonesia, Korea, Brazil, Britain, New Zealand ... It's always interesting to see which far-flung corner of the globe has found its way to my humble little blog.

And even more interesting is the information page for each visitor (don't worry, it's anonymous), which indicates which page they came from to get here, if the referring page is linked. So sometimes I see the URLs of other blogs that link to mine (usually the Newfoundland BlogRoll), but most frequently I see what Google searches turn my site up. Often, it has to do with various searches about Newfoundland generally, though there have been a few "running music" and various "reading" searches.

HOWEVER ... the most common Google search that brings people to my blog? I shit you not: "pickled weiners."

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*Though it should be said that, as I use my own blog as a portal to other sites I visit frequently, a significant number of those visits are probably me.
**Which, again, might simply represent an increase in my own procrastination.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Ten things that are less enjoyable than grading papers

1. Being lost in a mall at Christmas while the muzak has "My Heart Will Go On" stuck on repeat.

2. Listening to a morning drive-time DJ sing topical parodies of "Achy-Breaky Heart."

3. The coffee from the Science Building cafe I am currently drinking.

4. Being lectured for a half hour by marketing types about "brand loyalty."

5. Nickelback.

6. Watching Bill O'Reilly win an argument with someone (doesn't happen often).

7. Reading German philosophy.

8. Bathing my eyes in a solution of Ajax and pork drippings (though this one is really sort of borderline)

9. Writing a blog entry as a means a avoiding grading papers and realizing you've almost reached the end of your proscribed list.

10. Grading exams.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The rumours you heard were true ...

Newfoundland has the bomb!



So watch it there, Harper.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Painted into a corner

It occurs to me as I reread my last post that my words could be taken as somewhat disparaging ... or rather, that I was making a blanket commentary in which I sneered at non-academic responses to academic presentations. Hopefully, it was not taken as such: as I said, one of the things I love about public lectures is, very specifically, the fact that non-academic responses tend to keep us -- or me, at any rate -- on my toes because they don't get couched in obfuscatory academese.

Anyway, I come back to this because the question that I did make some fun of has ended up being somewhat haunting, largely because I've been following the arguments and debates following the election of the Democratic House and Senate. I don't envy those guys. They were elected principally because of the general disgust with the increasingly egregious errors made by the Bush Administration, and the arrogance with which those errors were made. They face a multi-trillion dollar debt,* and a war that has become a no-win situation. What's the answer? The Democrats won't have one, for two very simple reasons: (1) any action of any decisiveness will be hamstrung by their own divisiveness, their own lack of vision, a recalcitrant White House, and a hostile and vindictive media, and (2) there is no answer ... at least none that is palatable.

When history writes the book on George W. Bush and company, I sincerely hope that they are damned for painting the country into an impossible corner. Personally, I think the most sensible thing is immediate withdrawal from Iraq. It would be catastrophic, but not as catastrophic, I think, as tends to be portrayed. One has to wonder: how much worse can it get there? Of course, the answer to that is entirely dependent on the degree to which the American presence is a deterrent or a catalyst ... not something

Of course, this is a moot point. Sooner or later, the stream of flag-draped coffins coming home will pass a tipping-point (if it hasn't already), and withdrawal will be a political imperative. But that, I think, in spite of the weight of opinion now against the war, will be later rather than sooner. Even as opinion shifts, the memory of the Fall of Saigon and the twenty-year stigma of having "lost" in Vietnam must be in the front of politicians' minds. Simply abandoning Iraq altogether would seem too much like being chased out by a rabble of insurgents.

More significantly, there's the simple humanity question: having made this mess, it is the United States' responsibility to fix it. But again, how? Staying longer means more American deaths, more Arab resentment of the American presence, and more possibility (indeed probability) of Abu-Gharib style debacles. Immediate withdrawal means total descent into civil war, the probable ascension of a militant theocracy (in at least parts of the country), and the creation of an Afghanistan-style terrorism enclave.

All of these are just possibilities, of course. The point is that we are now officially in a lose-lose situation, which has been dropped in the lap of the new Congress and will be similarly left to whoever occupies the Oval Office in two years time. I can't imagine that the new Congress will do anything more than proceed by way of baby steps, which is already in some circles being portrayed as a vindication of the Bush Administration's policies. Whatever happens from here on in will prove disastrous in one way or another, and what drives me up one wall and down the other is the near-certainty that the people actually trying to solve these problems will be blamed. It needs to be remembered that we were brought to this point by a small number of people whose arrogance, inflexibility and willful blindness brooked no dissent and dismissed contrary views as anti-American.

I don't envy the new Congress; I don't envy whoever next occupies the Oval Office; and I don't envy Americans generally. The wisdom of Solomon would be insufficient for the current situation.

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*from America's inception up to 2000, 42 presidents borrowed a combined total of $1.01 trillion from foreign governments. From 2001-2005, the Bush government borrowed $1.05 trillion.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The academic's guide to surviving question periods

Hey, it's December. When did that happen?


It's December, and as if to drive the point home, they're calling today for freezing rain and then later on, snow. I knew this was worrisome when I woke to the sound of one of my neighbours scraping ice from their windshield underneath my window. Fortunately, I don't have to go anywhere today ...

Classes ended yesterday, thus bringing to an end my second first semester here at MUN. Amazing the difference a year makes. I was rather surprised last year how at sea I felt, how hard it was to adapt to a new academic and scholastic environment, and -- in spite of the fact that I'd had four years of teaching under my belt, not counting my four years before that as a TA -- how much I felt like a neophyte in the classroom.

I've still got a ways to go, but the difference this term was palpable ... though I have to credit a significant part of the easier time I had this go around to the fact that I was blessed with a really good group of students. My 20th-century American novel course was one of the most enjoyable classes I've ever taught -- and I'm not just saying that because I know some of my students now read this blog (see how sucking up can work both ways, guys? though my timing is is bad ... I should have made outrageously flattering comments before course evals).

It's been a while since my last entry, so I should do a post-lecture round-up. First of all, I am pleased to say that it was standing-room only at the Ship ... not that it takes many people to fill the place. It's not a particularly large pub. But still: "standing-room only." I like the sounds of that. AND I was told that this was one of the best-attended lectures in recent memory. Though I suppose if you put an image of the World Trade Center on your advertising, you'll get a lot of people coming out to see what you have to say ...

Also, it was videotaped for ... well, I'm not sure what for. Posterity, I guess. That in and of itself isn't so much of a concern for me, though it did freak me out immediately before when I had my obligatory sense of impending doom and academic catastrophe. The thought of having a record of my shame and stupidity was a bit daunting. But beyond that, and more immediately a concern at the time, was the fact that in order to be seen on the video, I had to be lit with the stagelights ... the effect of which was that I could not see my audience. At all. Which is a problem, given that I like to be able to gauge how I'm doing in a lecture situation by audience reaction, which isn't always vocal enough for me to rely on hearing alone.

But all that being said, the lecture was well received, and we have what can only be termed a lively question period. And if you've never been to a public lecture -- and more significantly, if you're an academic and you've never delivered one -- it is an interesting experience. I've done one in the past, as part of the London Public Library's Media Literacy Series, back before getting that PhD thing. I lectured then on conspiracy theory; and if there was ever a topic to bring the wingnuts out of the woodwork, that was it.

The thing is, when you present a lecture or a paper to an academic audience, there is a kind of unspoken etiquette to the questions ... though etiquette is the wrong word, because it's not necessarily about being polite. I don't know the right word, though "verbal dance" might come closest. What I mean is this: even when you have an antagonistic questioner, someone really out to attack you, it's almost invariably couched in academese (the official language of pretension and pomposity). So the antagonistic questioner's attack might begin with this: "Well, this is obviously a very important issue and deserves serious inquiry [suggesting that your talk has not accomplished this], but I think you've misstated one of the key points here, and I have to take exception to your reading of X ..."

So even as you see that you're about to get tagged, the preamble gives you a chance to steel yourself and think of responses that don't include "Bite me!" or "Fuck off!" Though let me tell you, sometimes the temptation to say just that is overwhelming ...

Variations on the annoying question: "Well this is interesting, but what does it have to do with MY specialty?" (e.g. "This paper on the geopolitical impact of globalization is interesting, but how does it address the history of the book?"); the twenty-minute ramble, which is exactly what it sounds like: i.e. the questioner goes on and on and on, finally trailing off with a lame question like "So what do you think of that?" (my favourite response to one of those was by Judith Butler, who had just delivered a keynote at a conference at UWO -- when her interlocutor finally trailed off, she stepped away from the lectern and very pointedly gestured at it, inviting him to come down and deliver the lecture); and of course, the question that is not a question.

All of these have stock responses one can give, most frequently "Well, I hadn't thought about it that way ... would you like to talk a bit more about what you mean?" Which almost always works, since most obnoxious questioners really just want a chance to grandstand.

So public lectures can be a bit dislocating -- but also, I believe, invaluable to academics as a way of keeping yourself honest and not getting entirely lost in the scholarly echo-chamber -- because the questions you get from non-academics (a) have none of the verbal dance we insulate ourselves with, and (b) often come entirely from left-field. Which can be in equal measures humbling, educational, aggravating, and amusing.

Case in point, from my conspiracy theory lecture: the questioning gambit I now think of as the "What about Gandhi?" question. Having talked at some length about Kennedy's assassination and its role in the American consciousness (a topic I returned to, incidentally, in the Ship lecture), I was grilled rather mercilessly by a woman about various other assassinations that had not had conspiracy theories spring up around them, and why this was the case. Now, keeping in mind that I was being asked about incidences I had broad but not specific knowledge of (for example, the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand), I could not speak with much detail, and made a point of saying so. Unsatisfied with my answers, she would cut me off and ask me about the next assassination she had in mind, finally culminating in a somewhat angry and disdainful, "Well, what about Gandhi?" To which I responded with some exasperation, "What about Gandhi?", which I think angered her further. Fortunately, I was then rescued by another questioner ...

This past Tuesday, I must say, the question period was very enjoyable. Tough, but enjoyable -- I had a couple of very sharp and pointed questions that cut right to the heart of my discussion and addressed some of the gaps in my argument (some I was aware of, some not). Which, though it puts you on the spot, is exactly the kind of thing you look for when working through ideas.

The "What about Gandhi?" question this time around was asked by a woman who prefaced herself with a preamble about the state of the world and America's role in it -- the war in Iraq, the excesses of American imperialism, etc etc. The question she came to was "So what's the answer?"

And she wouldn't let it go! I said, quite frankly, that I am in no way qualified to give an answer to the world's problems, but she persisted with it for some time, until I finally said something trite about public discussions like this being a start.

You know how, an hour after something like that you come up with the perfect answer? I now wish I'd said, "Ma'am, if I had that answer, I wouldn't be a junior English professor at MUN ... I'd be Jesus. And frankly, I don't want that gig, seeing as how the retirement package is kind of rough."

Sigh. If I had a time machine, I'd be wittier than Oscar Wilde.