Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Da month o' da Laura

Yes, it's that time again -- the month-long run-up to the greatest of holidays, the feast of feasts, the celebrate-good-times that transcends even Kool & the Gang. Of course I'm talking about Lauramas, October 14, the day upon which we rejoice in the anniversary of the great redheaded wonder's birth. Yes, Laura is god and Mr. Darcy is her prophet. And Mr. Bingley is her, um, valet (for those unfamiliar with The Laura's accolytes, see here).

Such an occasion naturally cannot be contained in a single day, so we lesser mortals must needs begin our devotions a month in advance. Hence, I declare September 14 to be the first day of The Laura -- for such is how she must be addressed in this holy month.

I realize that some may not be conversant in the practices and rituals of Lauramas. For those living in London, this could be critical, for you may well encounter her on the streets (she likes to mingle with the mortals on occasion).

Should you encounter the individual pictured in these images here, it is customary to place an offering of food on the ground 5-7 feet away, and then prostrate yourself with your head on the pavement and hands outstretched in her direction. Good food choices are generally anything fried, though perogies will curry particular favour with the exalted one. In a pinch, a Tim Hortons coffee will do, especially if it happens to be before noon and she looks grouchy. Failing that, she likes songs to be sung to her, particularly those of Sloan, Bloc Party or Interpol.

In the seven days before the DAY, we observe The Seven Stations of The Laura: (1) motionless on the couch through eight hours of CSI; (2) an attempt at pilates which ends on the patio of either the APK or the Runt Club; (3) coffee at Williams; (4) coffee at Starbucks; (5) bumping into random stationary things like door jambs, coffee tables, parked cars, trees, etc.; (6) ignoring your blog; (7) and on Lauramas Eve, the ceremonial eating of the mac and cheese with Manhattans.

Happy Lauramas to all!


4 comments:

FanglyFish said...

I say sir. Does she like pickled wierners?

iceman said...

Happy Lauramis or as they say in Olde England, Merry Lauramas. I, as we speak, am dusting off our Lauramas Carol sheets which will lead us in song on our neighbours steps, hopefully to be given copious amounts of wassail (Manhattans!!) for our work. May the fourteenth be with you--errr, October?. Oh well, the sense is in the failed pun!!!

Loz said...

ah, for a mere mortal, you do have a way with words. you have done your queen a great service in this the beginning of lauratide.

you're the best! love ya!

the laura is amused.

Captain Fudge said...

Ah, is it that time of year so soon? Well, I'm excited. Lauramas means it's only 2 more months until the greatest holiday of all....Rosh Hasahsandrew.

Ah, I can see it already. Spinning the giant fudge dreidel. Masturbating to Iron Butterfly. It trully is a magical time.

Of course, Lauramas is nice too.