Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Cage Match: Blade vs. Max Schreck

With Selene's sound trouncing of Bill Compton 12-4, we arrive at the last of our first round fights. In this corner, the Daywalker, the ass-kicking vampire Blade from the eponymous trilogy of films; in the other corner, the original Nosferatu, Max Schreck—who, in the wonderful Shadow of the Vampire, is imagined as an actual vampire posing as a method actor. I think the odds are pretty long against him for today's fight, but he certainly would be in the top five for best film.

Schreck won the coin toss, so today's fight will take place at an old abandoned castle on the Poland-Czech border.


When Blade sees his opponent lurking in the shadow of a crumbling wall, he feels somewhat foolish for how heavily he armed himself for this fight. Schreck emerges into the wan moonlight ghosting the old castle's courtyard, a sneer on his thin lips.

"All that, just for me?" he rasps. "How many of me did you think you were going to have to fight?"

Blade draws his handguns, and tosses them with a clatter to the broken cobbles. He retrieves an assortment of knives and edged weapons from their hiding places under his coat, and throws them down as well. Lastly, he draws his sword from over his shoulder and, after brandishing it for a moment, stabs it into a gap in the stones at his feet.

"How classic of you," Schreck mocks. "If I can draw your sword out, do I become king?"

"Laugh all you want, old man," Blade replies evenly. "But in my line of work, it's always wise to be prepared."

Schreck shrugs dismissively, and nudges one of Blade's discarded weapons, a circle of steel studded with razor points, with his foot. "So very modern of you," he says. "What became of the stake and the clove of garlic?"

"It's a new world."

"No," Schreck sighs. "It really is not." And he launches himself at Blade.

Surprised, Blade manages to evade the attack, but the gnarled old vampire is startlingly fast. He spins away, but Schreck's talon-like fingernails leave a rent down the side of his leather coat. Blade whips it off and tosses it aside, impressed in spite of himself.

"Not bad, old man. You're showing me something here."

Schreck does not reply, but holds up one hand as if in salute to the moon. His features seem to dissolve, becoming indistinct as he fades into a cloud of mist that spills across the cobbles.

Whoever did the ranking for this thing didn't do enough research, Blade thinks, annoyed. There's a neat trick, that. Tossing aside the weapons doesn't seem such a good idea, now.

He plucks the sword out of the ground and spins cautiously around, watching tendrils of mist ripple into the shadows. He stills himself, sword at the ready, standing motionless as the rivulets of fog creep past.

Blade closes his eyes and breathes deeply. He spins as he exhales, lunging forward with his sword to spear Max Schreck, who has rematerialized immediately behind him, through the chest.

"It is a new world, old man."

Blade withdraws the sword and sweeps the ancient vampire's head off.

Projected Winner: BLADE

1 comment:

PS Fowler said...

This match up seems a little one sided, but I suppose many are. For some reason, I'm reminded of the time my dad took apart an old bookshelf in our den. My dad was a vampire hunter, you see.