Saturday, April 24, 2010

Cage match: Spike vs. Edward Cullen

Well, Miriam put up a pretty good fight, but in the end succumbed to The Master by a margin of 17-10. The Master moves on to the quarterfinals.

And now, a fight I'm sure many are anticipating, between Spike, the peroxided king of mayhem from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, and Edward Cullen, the brooding sparkly guy from the Twilight series.

Edward won the coin toss, so the fight will take place in an old-growth forest in the Pacific Northwest.


It is late afternoon, the dusk light fading into ... well, twilight. Spike lounges against one of the massive redwoods, smoking a cigarette and peering up into the gloom. Constantly overcast, he thinks. No direct sunlight during the day. Bloke could get used to this. He wipes moisture off his face with the sleeve of his leather coat. Except for the bloody wet.

He looks down from the leaden sky to see his appointed adversary enter the clearing, a mousy brown-haired girl trailing apprehensively behind him. Spike looks his opponent over with mounting disgust. "'Kin' hell," he mutters, pitching away his fag-end. "Brooding pretty boy who went tragic with the hair gel. What, do these twats follow me?" Peering more closely, he exclaims to himself, "Is he sparkling?" He raises his voice. "Hey, nancy. Who's the bird?" When Edward looks skyward in confusion, Spike clarifies, "The girl, nimrod. Who is she, and what's she doing here?"

"She is my great love," Edward intones sententiously, and Bella favours him with a look so slavish Spike feels the whiskey he downed an hour ago fighting to come up.

"Oh, lovely. Let me guess: you're a hundred-and-something year old vampire with a tortured soul and a thing for jailbait. And it's all very agonizing and poetic and chaste because you're afraid if you actually go in for the rumpy-pumpy you'll go all savage and bestial on her?"

Startled, Edward nods. "Yes. How did you know?"

"Old story, mate. Chap I know had the same problem. Except, his girl at least had some spunk." He winks. "I know. Did her myself."

Edward steps in closer. "Well ... she's kind of got a thing for werewolves," he says conspiratorially.

Spike laughs. "Oh, you don't want a piece of that, mate. Last bird I knew dallied with a werewolf, totally lost the taste for the meat-and-veg. If you follow me."

Edward furrows his sparkly brow. "I don't, actually."

"Colour me shocked," Spike sighs. "All right. Shall we do this?"

Without hesitation, Edward launches himself backward, kicking himself off a redwood and flying over Spike's head to land immediately behind him. Almost casually, Spike turns, driving the stake he had under his coat into Edward's chest.

"Sorry, mate," Spike says conversationally. "Trick a friend taught me. This is Mr. Pointy."

Edward explodes into a cloud of sparkly dust.

Projected Winner: SPIKE


Danika Barker said...

Perfect! That is exactly how it would play out.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. Spike wins, hands down.

LHK said...

Spike will destroy him!

FBF said...

Is there anyone who would vote for Cullen? Especially after that beautiful exchange? Spike is LOVE.

Question Mark said...

And, even worse for Edward, he was also knocked out (literally) of the consolation bracket. Pictured here...

Ms. MM said...

Oh lord. I was dying. My only complaint is that Spike should've brought Dru. THAT would've been funny.

Drusilla comes up quietly behind the tree where Bella was hiding and sobbing after she saw her beloved Edward killed by the blond guy. Dru grabbed her on the back of the neck and whispered, "Don't cry. Crying is for little girls. You're a lovely strong, big girl." She let go of Bella's neck and came around in front of her, eyes huge. Bella backed away, massaging her neck.
"How could you kill Edward?" She whimpered.
Dru tilted her head. "He looks like my Daddy. Is he mean? Does he hurt you?"
Bella shook her head tragically. "He is my one and true love. He would never hurt me."
Drusilla turned to the dolls with blindfolds she'd lined up along the tree trunk. "See Ms. Edith? The big girl says Daddy doesn't hurt her." She looked at Bella again. Bella looked into her eyes. Dru said, "Look in my eyes, big girl. Be in me." Bella stood in front of Drusilla, swaying slightly. "I wonder if you mummy will cry when they find your body." She came closer to Bella and put one hand on her chin, the other on the back of her head.

Spike heard the CRACK and grinned. He said to the pile of dust, "Too bad you didn't live to see that, mate."