Friday, June 02, 2006

My guide to the secrets of the Da Vinci Cod

Thank god for Ian McKellen. Now, I realize I tend to say that on a fairly regular basis, sometimes apropos of nothing in particular, but this time I'm quite devout in my praise, given that he was more or less the only redeeming factor in the two-and-a-half hour earnestness-fest that is the film version of The Da Vinci Code. There's something wrong when it only takes you only slightly longer to read the book than to watch the movie.

That being said, for all the arguments back and forth over the film's offensiveness, it was really just ... well, inofensive. The film has less of an edge to it than a $5 kitchen knife from Wal-Mart. This is the great slap in the face to Christians and Christianity? Puh-leaze. If this is what's going to single-handedly erode faith and belief in North America, then someone please explain to me how Trey Parker and Matt Stone have thus far avoided being drawn and quartered.

Tom Hanks was so wrong in this role. I should say, unlike many people, I have nothing against Tom Hanks -- as far as Hollywood actors go, he's pretty good, and he has a really endearing goofiness that I like. But he's waayyyyy too earnest in pretty much everything he does, and that just doesn't work here. For one thing, Robert Langdon is supposed to be one of the top scholars in his field, a Harvard prof (which really, for anything populist like Dan Brown novels or Hollywood films, is simply a cipher for really really smart -- he'd have automatically been a more interesting character for me if he was from Duke, or Berkeley, or, say, Memorial University of Newfoundland) presumably at the top of his game. Perhaps I speak as someone who spends too much time around curmudgeonly profs, but he really needed to be at least a little arrogant, to radiate the sense of being an intellectual heavyweight. He sounded more like he was an undergrad who had committed the Coles Notes of the Apochrypha to memory.

Again, thank god for Sir Ian. I sometimes wonder what must go through his head when he's filming these Hollywood blockbusters -- does he ever look around and think "I can so act circles around these dimwits!" He's the only one that looked like he was having any fun at all, gleefully cackling and frothing and generally chewing the scenery. It reminded me a bit of Alan Rickman in Robin Hood -- another case of a film taking itself way too seriously, and a great British actor being the one redeeming feature.

I did learn some things from tonight's screening however, and they are as followed:

1. Courtesy of the women sitting behind us, I now know a new word: "codey" -- adjective, pertaining to or referring to the qualities of The Da Vinci Code. To wit: as far as Dan Brown's other novels go, Angels and Demons is very codey, whereas Digital Fortress? Not so codey.

2. Smart cars drive faster in reverse than police cars do driving forward.

3. Bigshot symbology professors from Harvard, who study a vast range of history and religious cultures, are not required to learn French.

4. Kiefer Sutherland may be the new prince of scruffy, but Jean Reno is still king.

5. Eccentric British history buffs living in mansions cluttered with all sorts of arcana have digital presentations making PowerPoint look like chalk and a slate ready to go at the slightest need (such as desperate fugitives showing up at your place in the middle of the night needing a grand unification theory of conspiratorial history).


Lesley said...

I spent most of my trip home from Europe reading the DaVinci Code. It was so good I actually read it in LINE at customs. Which made me a little apprehensive about seeing it on the big screen. Needless to say, I wasn't disappointed, but there was no sense of urgency that I got from reading the book. That CHASE mentality. In the movie it's like it was pieced together. With a bit of running in between. I agree with that whole "this is what you've been so afraid of?" mentality. It's fiction. It's a book. As my coworker said, anyone who took a women's study class understands the whole Mary Magdalene effect. So just go and enjoy the movie for what it is, a movie based on a book.

Agree on the Tom Hanks thoughts. He is a great actor, but not enough of the intellectual sexy that they made the character to be in the book.

And Smart cars? Dude, in Europe they're super fast. They were whipping by us on the highway and we were going 150 km an hour!!!

Lesley said...

AND, they totally ruined the ending. Without trying to ruin it for anyone else...the last few scenes with Sophie were better in the book. They took away so much of the discovery. That made me mad.

Seven Star Hand said...

Hello Chris and all,
Hopefully I can provide you with some targetted insights about the DaVinci Code and its backstory and subplot. There is a hidden story beneath the surface that requires an understanding of ancient Hebrew symbology. Then the ending makes more sense and carries much more punch.

You may not initially agree with everything I reveal, but be a little patient with my long-winded presentation of what I have waited a very long time to be able to say. I promise to amaze and enlighten.

Here is the key to understanding what the Vatican and Papacy truly fear...

Pay close attention, profundity knocks at the door, listen for the key. Be Aware! Scoffing causes blindness...

Here's a real hot potato! Eat it up, digest it, and then feed it's bones to the hungry...

There's much more to the story of the Vatican's recent machinations than meets the eye. It's not the DaVinci Code or Gospel of Judas per se, but the fact that people have now been motivated to seek out the unequivocal truth about an age of deception, exactly when they expect me to appear. These recent controversies are spurring people to reevaluate the Vatican/Papacy and the religions that Rome spawned, at the worst possible time for them.

Remember, "I come as a thief..." ?

The DaVinci Code novel and movie are no more inaccurate as literal versions of history than the New Testament. The primary sub-plot involved purposeful symbology being used to encode hidden meanings, exactly like the Bible and related texts. In other words, none of these stories represent the literal truth. This is the common and pivotal fact of all such narratives about ancient Hebrew and Christian history. Debating whether the DaVinci Code, Gnostic texts, or the Bible are accurate history is a purposeful ploy designed to hide the truth by directing your inquiry away from the heart of the matter.

There is a foolproof way to verify the truth and expose centuries-old religious deceptions. It also proves why we can no longer let the Vatican tell us what to think about ancient history or much else. It is the common thread connecting why the ancient Hebrews, Yahad/Essene, Jews, Gnostics, Cathars, Templars, Dead Sea Scrolls, DaVinci Code, and others have been targets of Rome’s ire and evil machinations. The Vatican and its secret society cohorts don’t want you to understand that the ancient Hebrew symbology in all of these texts purposely encodes and exposes the truth about them. Furthermore, the structure of ancient wisdom symbology verifiably encodes the rules to decode messages built with it. This is what they most fear you will discover.

If the Bible represented the literal truth or even accurate history, there would be no need for faith in the assertions of deceptive and duplicitous clergy and their ilk. It is undeniable the New Testament is awash with ancient Hebrew symbolism and allegory. The same is evidenced in the Old Testament, Dead Sea Scrolls, Gnostic texts, biblical apocrypha, Quran, DaVinci Code, and other related sources. All ancient religious, mystical, and wisdom texts have been shrouded in mystery for millennia for one primary reason: The ability to understand their widely evidenced symbology was lost in antiquity. How do we finally solve these ages-old mysteries? To recast an often-used political adage: It’s [the] symbology, stupid!

It is beyond amazing that the Vatican still tries to insist the Gospels are the literal truth. Every miracle purported for Jesus has multiple direct symbolic parallels in the Old Testament, Apocalypse, Dead Sea Scrolls, and other symbolic narratives and traditions. Recasting the symbolism of earlier Hebrew texts as literal events in the New Testament is one of the central deceptions associated with Christianity. This is part of the secret knowledge held by the ancient Gnostics, Templars, Cathars, and others, which is presented with dramatic effect in the DaVinci Code. None of these narratives or stories were ever intended as the literal truth. This fact is the key to unraveling many ages-old mysteries and exposing the truth about the Vatican's long-term deceptions.

Moreover, the following Washington Post article (The Book of Bart) describes how many changes and embellishments were made to New Testament texts over the centuries, unequivocally demonstrating they are not original, infallible, or truthful. When you combine proof that the New Testament Gospels are not wholly literal with proof that these texts were heavily reworked in the early years of Christianity, you are left with only one possible conclusion. The Vatican has long lied to everyone about the central tenets and history of Christianity. This revelation also proves they are not the Creator’s representatives but Her long-time opponents. The recent hoopla over the Gospel of Judas and DaVinci Code demonstrates they are still desperately trying to deceive the world and obfuscate their true nature and activities.

It's no wonder the Vatican fears the truth more than anything else. As further proof of these assertions, seek to understand the symbolic significance of my name (Seven Star Hand) and you will have proof beyond disproof that Jews, Christians, and Muslims have long been duped by the great deceivers I warned humanity about over the millennia. What then is the purpose of "faith" but to keep good people from seeking to understand the truth?

Now comes justice, hot on its heels... (symbolism...)

Not only do I talk the talk, I walk the walk...
Here is Wisdom!!

Revelations from the Apocalypse